The Van Man Rookie Card: Limited Edition, Extra Creepy

If there were trading cards for '70s van culture, this guy would be a holographic rare. Standing proudly in front of his deep red shag chariot, this legend looks like he’s posing for his official “Creeper of the Year” card. Stats on the back would include: MPG: Questionable. Confidence: 100%. Mullet Wind Resistance: Minimal.

The van itself? A glimmering temple of automotive ego. Those stripes scream “painted in someone’s driveway with three cases of Coors and a dream.” The chrome side pipes say, “I make more noise than power,” and the mag wheels confirm this beast hasn’t hauled anything useful since disco died.

You can almost hear the theme from Smokey and the Bandit playing faintly in the distance as he leans in that perfect stance, hands in pockets, collar popped, and the faint odor of Armor All and bravado. Somewhere inside, there’s a shag carpet, a mattress that has stories, and a cassette labeled “Makeout Mix Vol. 3.”

This isn’t just a photo, it’s an era. A time when gas was cheap, hair was big, and every dude with a van thought he was two good weekends away from becoming a rock star. And honestly? He might still believe it.