The Shagmobile Chronicles

Spotted this beauty with a mullet driver blasting Motley Crue definitely a classic creepy van!

J.D.

★★★★★

FAQ

What makes a van creepy?

A van becomes creepy when it gives off that perfect mix of mystery, bad decisions, and burnt rubber. It’s usually blasting classic rock, sporting tinted windows dark enough to hide secrets, and piloted by a man with a mullet and too much confidence. Add a wizard mural, shag carpet, and a mattress that’s seen things, and boom, you’ve got a Creepy Van.

Why tinted windows matter?

Tinted windows matter because they’re the official badge of Creepy Van membership. They hide everything, mysteries, emotions, and sometimes unpaid parking tickets. In the 70s and 80s, the darker the tint, the cooler (and sketchier) you were. They let in just enough light to see your lava lamp glow, but not enough for the cops to ask questions. Simply put: no tint, no creep.

What is van art typically?

Tinted windows matter because they’re the official badge of Creepy Van membership. They hide everything, mysteries, emotions, and sometimes unpaid parking tickets. In the 70s and 80s, the darker the tint, the cooler (and sketchier) you were. They let in just enough light to see your lava lamp glow, but not enough for the cops to ask questions. Simply put: no tint, no creep.

How to spot the driver style?

Spotting a Creepy Van driver is easy; they have a look. Think mullet in full bloom, mirrored aviators, and a sleeveless concert tee that’s survived more summers than good decisions. There’s usually a chain wallet, faded jeans (bonus points for cutoffs), and a tan that says “I work outdoors” but a vibe that says “I mostly hang out in parking lots.” They lean on the van like it’s a wingman, smell faintly of motor oil and Drakkar Noir, and are never in a hurry because when you drive a Creepy Van, the van does the creeping for you.

Are there common music choices?

Absolutely... Creepy Vans come with a built-in soundtrack. Expect loud, unapologetic rock that rattles both the windows and your moral compass. The holy trinity is Led Zeppelin, KISS, and Blue Öyster Cult, but honorable mentions go to Motley Crüe, Foghat, Poison, and anything with a guitar solo that lasts longer than most relationships. Cassette tapes are preferred, 8-tracks are revered, and if “Slow Ride” or “Highway to Hell” starts playing as the van rolls by… don’t walk faster, run.