The Double Ovals: Two Windows to the Soul (and Probably a Crime Scene)

Some vans try too hard to be mysterious; this one was born that way. With its double oval windows and suspicious lack of a visible license plate, it’s less of a vehicle and more of a rolling question mark on four wheels. You don’t see this van coming down the street; you feel it in your gut, usually followed by the instinct to lock your doors.

Painted in what can only be described as “rusty cinnamon of doom,” this van looks like it was built in the 70s, survived the 80s, and has been idling in moral gray areas ever since. The twin oval windows serve no real purpose other than to remind you that something (or someone) inside is watching. It’s the van equivalent of a mustache that makes eye contact.

And that missing license plate? That’s not an oversight, that’s a lifestyle choice. Creepy Vanners call it “stealth mode.” Law enforcement calls it “probable cause.” Somewhere out there, a DMV clerk has been crying into their paperwork for 40 years because this beast slipped through the system undetected.

Inside, you can almost guarantee there’s a mattress (no sheets, of course), a melted lava lamp, and an ashtray that tells more stories than a therapy session. If you listen closely, you can probably still hear Slow Ride echoing faintly from the shag-carpeted walls.

This isn’t just a van. It’s a time capsule of weird energy, the kind of rig that makes you nostalgic for a time when people thought tinted windows and wizard murals were personality traits. It’s creepy, it’s classic, and it’s unapologetically 1970s.