Now Boarding: The Sketchiest Ride to Hogwarts

Every neighborhood has that van, the one that makes you pause, squint, and question humanity. But this one? This one went the extra mile and branded itself the Hogwarts Express, bringing the magic of the wizarding world straight to the Department of Motor Vehicles.

Scrawled in what appears to be black spray paint and unearned confidence, “HOGWARTS EXPRESS” stretches across the side of a white van that hasn’t seen soap since disco was still cool. It’s the kind of artistic ambition that whispers “DIY or die trying.” And honestly, the name couldn’t be more fitting. “Hog” and “Warts” sum up both the van and its driver perfectly: one’s greasy, the other’s contagious, and neither can be trusted.

And while the real Hogwarts Express might whisk students away to a castle filled with charm and wonder, this van looks more likely to take you to a cul-de-sac filled with regret and mystery fumes. The only spell being cast here is “Disapparatus Credibilis.”

Inside, you just know there’s a single flickering lightbulb, a pile of mismatched blankets, and an 8-track playing Don’t Fear the Reaper. The driver? Probably a man named “Skip” who claims he was the original drummer for a KISS cover band and offers “life lessons” in exchange for gas money.

The van embodies everything great (and terrible) about the 70s–80s van culture: big dreams, bad execution, and the unshakable belief that spray paint is marketing. It’s not just creepy, it’s educationally concerning.

So if someone rolls up in this magic machine and says, “Hop in, we’re going to Hogwarts,” just remember this isn’t Platform 9¾… It’s probably Section 8.